When All That You Need Is Love!

~Jay Mehta

Hola, Amigos and to all the lovesick people out there!!
This article should be quite helpful to all the innocent victims of cupid’s mischievous game plays.

Is love a real thing?
Is the science of love justified?
Why do we even fall in love?
Why do we choose just one specific person in our life to live rest of our lives. In a generation like ours, won't we get bored with them as we get bored by quite a lot of things humans contributing the most part of it in some cases?
So what is this chaos all about?
LET’s FIND IT OUT.

Dear Singles/ Lovesick people,

 This article would guide you over the difference among the three evils - crush (infatuation/’#Just_The_Attraction_Thing’), love and lust. They share a thin line which differentiates them from one another. It is this difference between them that makes all the difference in a relationship. Reading this article should help you figure out your position in the relationship and let you identify if the relationship will last or not. It would even help you realize that whether you were even there in the relationship or not. That is it would help you identify if it is an infatuation or true love.

(Warning: This article is not for faint hearted, over anxious and highly emotional people. It may harm your feeling but the truth is – truth never changes. The world is a very bizarre place and nothing is off the limits. So, if you decide to stay, I hope you enjoy. Just Kidding, have fun reading this article. It is really interesting.
To avoid the cumbersome overuse of “him/her” and “he/she,” I use “the other” as well as “they” and “them” interchangeably)

So here we go ………

Before discussing anything about the difference we shall first understand each and every stage. We must know their true meaning and the inner definition.

Some terms you should be clear about:-

LOVE: it is a variety of different feelings, states, and attitudes that range from interpersonal affection to pleasure. It can be referred to an emotion of a strong attraction and personal attachment. It can also be a virtue representing human kindness, compassion, and affection. Love is the unselfish, loyal and benevolent concern for the good of other (your soul-mate, your lover).
Love may be understood as a function to keep human beings together against menaces and to facilitate the continuation of the species.
 Love as a general expression of positive sentiment (a stronger form of like) is commonly contrasted with hate (or neutral apathy); as a less sexual and more emotionally intimate form of romantic attachment, love is commonly contrasted with lust; and as an interpersonal relationship with romantic overtones, love is sometimes contrasted with friendship, although the word love is often applied to close friendships. (Further possible ambiguities come with usages "girlfriend", "boyfriend", "just good friends" #BURNS).
The complex and abstract nature of love often reduces discourse of love to a thought-terminating cliche. Several common proverbs regard to love, from Virgil's "Love conquers all" to The Beatles' "All You Need Is Love". St. Thomas Aquinas, following Aristotle, defines love as "to will the good of another." Bertrand Russell describes love as a condition of "absolute value," as opposed to relative value. Philosopher Gottfried Leibniz said that love is "to be delighted by the happiness of another." Meher Baba stated that in love there is a "feeling of unity" and an "active appreciation of the intrinsic worth of the object of love." Biologist Jeremy Griffith defines love as "unconditional selflessness".

INFATUATION: or being smitten is the state of being carried away by an unreasoned passion. Basically, it is the weaker form of love. It is like the one-sided feeling, which dies out with time due to the lack of response from the partner. Love is the infatuation that is reciprocated. It’s like this: Infatuation is a one-way road whereas Love is a two-way road.
LIMERENCE (also infatuated love) is a state of mind which results from a romantic attraction to another person and typically includes obsessive thoughts and fantasies and a desire to form or maintain a relationship with the object of love and have one's feelings reciprocated (but, Alas! It is never responded as the other person is not yet into you).

LUST is an emotion or feeling of intense desire in the body. The lust can take any form such as the lust for sex, lust for expensive objects (extravagance) or the lust for power. It can take such mundane forms as the lust for food as distinct from the need for food. Lust is a psychological force producing intense wanting for an object, or circumstance fulfilling the emotion. In context with love, lust is a form where you have sexual desires more than any other feeling. You just see the other person in a way to fulfill your desires and urges. Lust is just a hike in the feelings which gives signals to the brain to release the chemicals which generate sexual urges. Hence, it is the least trustworthy feeling which may change as soon as another physically attractive person cuts your way. But it is a basic requirement in a long-term relationship.

ROMANCE is the expressive and pleasurable feeling of an emotional attraction towards another person often associated with sexual attraction.
In the context of romantic love relationships, romance usually implies an expression of one's strong romantic love or one's deep emotional desires to connect with another person intimately or romantically. Historically, the term "romance" originates with the medieval ideal of chivalry as set out in its chivalry romance literature.
Humans have a natural inclination to form bonds with one another through social interactions, be it through verbal communication or non-verbal gestures.

FLIRTING is a psychological study of the other person, you are testing if they respond in the way that you hope if they can spar with you mentally; it is kind of a science experiment. You test various methods and check which gives the best result.

HOW DO WE FALL IN LOVE?

Love at first sight, is that even a thing?
Do we humans really fall in love with someone whom we haven’t met ever before and without knowing their likes and dislikes, without knowing their areas of interest, their ambitions, and their sense of humor??
Do we mess up with the terms like and love altogether and can’t figure out the basic difference in them?
We can have a counter-view on it. We could say that love at first sight, is a real thing as the high value accorded to others external features are projected onto their internal characteristics. But again we can’t ignore the fact that it may often mislead us as it is based on our imagination than on sight. However, it can still be love and can seriously be intense.

IS IT LUST OR LOVE??

We all experience that wild, irresistible feeling at the beginning of our new relationship (especially the first one that we go through.)
You don’t feel like eating, sleeping and concentrate on anything as you constantly think about your partner. Heartbeats are increased so is the adrenalin rush. You constantly crave to be with them and spend the endless chatting and gossiping.
But when we are in this heightened arousal state of the beginning of the romance, many of us step back and think if this feeling is just an infatuation, lust or we have found our true love. This is very common and people often get into great delusion between identifying the two. But what if you know how to differentiate them and never have to take a step back and ask yourself if it is lust or love.

Let us start discussing, Lust:
When we are drawn to someone based solely on their appearance, physical and sexual arousal, then you are in lust.
In such cases, you are filled with sexual desires that don’t stop. Meanwhile, all the sex stimulating hormones are being generated and flood your brain. In this state of mind we start idealizing our partner, we don’t see them as who they are but we see them as a person that we want them to be.
The phrase “Love Is Blind” is true but the fact is it is the lust that makes it blind. At the initial stage of the relationship, when we start idealizing a person we actually blindfold ourselves to the reality and thus the love we fall in. Thus, in this phase, we all like their behavior and foolishness. But as this phase vanishes we start to see this faults and flaws in them. Thereby, getting irritated by the things we initially adored. As soon as you see this change you should understand that it was just a lust because “Feeling change, not the People”.

Love:
Love is a profound emotion and as an overall effect on our body – mentally and physically. When we are in love our brain starts to produce oxy-toxin – the love hormone. It triggers relaxation and promotes emotional bonding and closeness. This is exactly opposite to lust.

  The time you should realize that you are in love:

• Connection: when you are really eager to introduce your partner to your family and close friends and want them to get involved in your personal life.

• We language: when you start using words like ‘we’, ‘us’ – that is the third person speech rather than ‘I’, ‘me’, ‘he/she’ etc.

• Self-disclosure: when you will give out and share all of your information to them irrespective of them asking about it. You share your past, future (ambitions), secrets and maybe some confidential data. If you are doing this then you are definitely in love with that person.

• Start influencing: when you both take decisions together and discuss them before taking any final verdict on the topic (somewhat like things the married couple does).

IS LOVE GOOD FOR YOUR HEALTH?

Humans are social creatures. We live together in cities and crave for being close to one another. But, is being social actually good for our health?

According to a 2002 study in the American Journal of Sociology, uncoupled people were found to have higher levels of depression, anxiety, mood disorders, and adjustment problems and demonstrate suicidal behavior more frequently than their coupled counterparts.

A 2010 study published in Plus One found that feelings of euphoria associated with romantic love activates the brain’s reward system and reduces physical and mental pain.

 A study found out that just by seeing
Being in love, especially when you are nuts about someone in the early phase of the relationship releases hormones in the brain that actually makes you happy (Dopamine).

According to a 2010 study by the University of Chicago and North-Western University, brains in relationship produce “cortisol” a stress hormone that regulates and moderates the effect of stress on the body.

Romantic love activates the areas of the brain that are rich in desire, addiction, dopamine level and euphoria states, so basically, all those things that make you feel good and happy.
But then, what about singles? Well, friendships and family love also play the same role as played by our lover. Our attachment

Hence, friends and family members come to our rescue in the times of depression and anxiety. Just a warm hug from them can reduce a load of stress and anxiety. It can even save one’s life as a lot of depression increases the risk of suicidal attempts.

HOW TO TALK TO YOUR CRUSH?

Yeah, we all do feel that awful nerves that come up when we land up to talk with our crush. It really is embarrassing when we are apprehensive in front of them or in their presence.

So here are some tips to stay confident in front of them and get over the cold feet:

• Have confidence in yourself, they are no alien. Don’t feel insecure. Just remember that you both are of the same kind have same interest (even though it is not, this false affirmation will help you to talk to them and share your feelings about them) and have almost the same knowledge about different stuff. Such thoughts should definitely help you build courage and tackle them.

• Start the conversation with the topic you are comfortable with and confident about this would help to blend you into the conversation and make you look confident irrespective of what you feel from within. Therefore your subconscious should the rest. And if your topic of interest matches with theirs BINGO you just got a ride to a sweet bumpy journey.

• Wearing decent clothes helps a lot. Wearing decent clothes helps the person in front of us to feel comfortable and they feel good to be around us.

• Take deep breaths whenever you start feeling too nervous or anxious. Just keep in mind that these deep breaths don’t come out as sighs. If it does then the tables will instantly turn around and we may lose our respect and the interest that person had created for us.

• Always feel free to leave the conversation if you don’t feel comfortable at all and feel that the time is yet to come. It is totally cool; rather it is a wise decision. But while you do that you should end the conversation on a positive note by giving them a warm goodbye. This even helps to set good conversation starter for our next meet with our partner.

• Never be hasty. Have patience.

• Start hanging out with them once the things between you two have been smooth for a while and a trust has been developed between the two of you. Hanging out with each other will help you know each other better and help you identify the true side of your partner.

EXPRESSING LOVE/ HOW IMPORTANT IS PHYSICAL TOUCH IN A RELATIONSHIP?

 Everybody expresses love a bit differently, some of us express love more emotionally, some of us express love physically and some express it in a balanced combination of both. Whereas some don’t express it in any of those things.

To stay in a long-term happy relationship, all that a couple needs to do is to stay together, watch sappy movies and romance-comedies. Also, should have a live conversation with one another about the movies that you watched and things in general. This process proves to be equivalent to a relational therapy and stands out to be quite effective. The participants who practiced these traits were observed to stay together for a longer period of time as compared to their counterparts that showed more inclination towards divorce.

Physical touch plays a key role in a relationship. According to a study in Oxford University, women were found to change their opinions about their partners just after the first kiss they had with them. In the study, it was shown that women preferred kissing as the vital part of a relationship whereas; men were not that specific about it.
Physical touch is termed as one of the most important love languages.

The book – “The Five Love Languages” boils down the whole relationship thing into five distinguished buckets.

According to the author of the book the five languages are:

1. Words of Affirmation: in this, we use affirmative statements for our partner which flatters them and makes them believe that we still love them. These statements could be anything like – “I Love You!”, “I Miss You”, “You look beautiful” etc.

2. An act of Service: in this, we learn that we should help our partners in their mundane work and make the routine a bit juicy for them and add occasional spice in the relationship so as to reignite the love. These acts act like a fuel to our love life. They can be anything from sweeping the floor to cooking or may just organize things in the house and reduce their work for the day. And like it has been said, “Action speaks louder than words.” So just keep that quote in mind and implement it on occasional basis

3. Giving gifts: apart from using affirming words and showing acts of kindness and love we can even express it by giving gifts to them without any reason. You should go out of your way to do this and buy gifts or movie tickets or tickets to their favorite show. It is not necessary to buy stuff all together you can even make cards or keep notes or write daily post it, basically anything that shows your love for them. These acts of gifting will add spice and element of surprise in the relationship which will reignite the love in your life.

4. Quality Time: We must give time to them and give our complete attention to them at least once a day. This would show that we care and still love them. You can set a specific time in the day just for them where you give your complete attention to them. During this period you should isolate yourself from all the hi-tech stuff, just you and them.

5. Physical Touch: One of the most important ways where you actually affirm your partner that you love them and would stay with them. It includes holding hands, hugging, kissing and obviously sex.

Love languages are simple checkboxes if you hit all these then well; you are doing a great job. But still everyone expresses their love in a different way, so you need to find yours.

LOVE FROM A WOMAN’s AND A MAN’s POINT OF VIEW / HOW DIFFERENT GENDERS TREAT LOVE?

Love has an effect on the limbic system of the human body which the body’s reward center.
When we start to fall in love, that is the infatuation stage, our brain releases dopamine, adrenaline, and norepinephrine which are all brain chemicals. Love also decreases the serotonin levels. These chemicals light up our brain and spread all over it, creating a feeling of euphoria.

Once when the brain has passed the infatuation period and is done with all the flooding of the feel-good chemicals. Brain decreases the rate at which these chemicals were being released. By this stage – the post-infatuation phase our brain starts releasing a new chemical named vasopressin and oxy-toxin (love chemical/hormone). After the honeymoon period (infatuation stage), we start to fall in the long term attraction phase.
But what if we face a heartbreak? At such times, our body responds to the emotional stress of a broken heart similar to a physical pain/illness. At such time our brain releases tons of hormones like cortisol (which is one of the many stress hormones), adrenaline – turns up your immune responses and these hormone levels are three times as high as someone who’s actually experiencing a heart attack.

All these affect our blood pressure as our heart is unable to pump properly. Thus, heartbreak can affect you both mentally and physically.
Studies show that dumped people who are looking at the photos of their partners would actually hit a hike in dopamine level which makes them feel good for a short period of time. It is like a shot of cocaine/morphine.
But at some point in time, you have to go cold turkey and get over all those stuff and find something/someone new to occupy your brain.

In a breakup man and woman behave differently.

The best way to get over a breakup is to habituate yourself in a way that you no more require those chemicals in your brain because if you go on doing the other way round you will never heal. It obviously takes some time but eventually, you do get over it.
When a woman experiences a break up they get a lot of emotional pain right away that is within the initial days of the event. But eventually, they fully recover and get free from all those hormonal imbalance and stuff.

On the other hand, men get less initial emotional pain but they will carry this low level of pain may be for rest of their lives. A part of them just can’t get over it.
In the study, women have reported feeling depression, fear, and anxiety just after a breakup whereas men reported feeling numbness and a loss of focus as well as anger.

~Jay Mehta

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Jay Mehta.

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